A Heart Wide Open
by kinngirl
Summary: When something unthinkable happens, Kurt and Finn both have way too much time to think about other things. A re-take on the Season 4 episode "Shooting Star". Will contain discussion of gun violence at school. May feature character death(s), Please do not read if this is triggering for you.
1. Chapter 1

Finn Hudson slouches in the stiff auditorium chairs. He's set up the couple of things Mr. Schue- Will- has asked him to and it didn't take as long as he thought it might, so he's just going to sit in the quiet of the empty auditorium for a bit. The place holds sentimental like value to Finn; so many memories. Maybe that is the problem with helping out at McKinley; he's surrounded by memories and ghosts of his former life. He half expects to see Rachel step into the spotlight; to hear Kurt complain about someone's clothing choice; to feel Puck throw an arm around his shoulders or clap him on the back. However, they're not here, not anymore. Sometimes Puck will swing by to see Finn himself or Jake, but he hates being here. And it doesn't help that Finn still does see Sam, who lived at Hudson-Hummel house with Kurt and Finn last year, and still lives there now. That he still hears Blaine and Tina gossiping and giggling on an almost daily basis. Plus, Brittany hugs him every time she sees him now, as if she is afraid he might disappear.

Finn hasn't been sleeping well. He's not even sure how long it's been, but it seems like a long time. When he can fall asleep, he has such strange and vivid dreams that Finn wakes up tireder than when he went to sleep. Likely, it is that he just can't seem to shut off his brain. Finn remembers suffering similarly in his sophomore year. For a while he thought his girlfriend was pregnant; plus being in glee club, and a jock were difficult to pull off at the same time. He'd spend hours awake at night, usually resulting in him playing his Xbox until the wee hours of the morning, or watching tv hoping to find some late night tv nudity. Finn suspects that talking to someone might help, but maybe not just anyone. There is someone specific Finn thinks he could talk to about this; should talk to about this. However, this isn't a conversation Finn wants to have via email or the telephone and that person is currently in New York while Finn is stuck in Lima. But, in just a few short weeks, they'll both be in Lima. Finn can wait until then. He doesn't have a choice really.

Finn is still sitting in the McKinley auditorium when he hears it. A sound so foreign and bizarre in that environment but not one Finn is unfamiliar with; so it takes him a couple of minutes to realize a gunshot shouldn't be heard in a school. His first instinct is to go make sure everyone is all right, but as his hand lands on the handle of the auditorium doors, he sees his mother's worried eyes when he'd returned from Georgia. He hears Kurt clucking his tongue as Finn shows off his stupid self inflicted gun shot wound. Finn is suddenly terrified; more terrified than he has ever been. He drops to his hands and knees and crawls over and wedges himself under a row of seats. He feels in his pocket for his phone, turning it off so it doesn't accidently go off and give away his location and so that he won't be tempted and distracted by it. Finn doesn't even register the tears leaking out of his eyes until they hit the backs of his hands, pillowed under his chin.

Kurt stretches and yawns as he leaves his last class for the day. He's glad it's almost the weekend. There is something that just feels off and Kurt wants to curl up with his favorite movies, some ice cream, some cheesecake, and fresh baked cookies. Kurt pulls his cell phone from his bag to start making a list of ingredients for cookies. He turns his ringer back on and almost immediately it begins to ring. Kurt flashes a quick look at the caller id and notices it's his step-mother, Carole, calling.

"Carole," Kurt says almost breathlessly. It's not his fault; a call from Carole always scares him into thinking something is wrong with his dad.

"Kurt, hi," she says, and Kurt can pick up on something in her voice. It makes his blood run cold.

"What's wrong?" Kurt asks anxiously as he stops and leans up against a wall, not trusting his own legs to keep him standing upright.

"Sorry," Carole says apologetically. "I don't mean to scare you Kurt. Your Dad is fine."

Kurt hears Carole cover the mouthpiece of her phone, then a couple of hushed words between Carole and his father before Burt speaks to his son.

"I'm fine kiddo- I swear," Burt says. Kurt can hear a tone in his voice too- one that Kurt knows means something is up. "I can hear you worrying over the phone. Stop it!"

"But something is wrong," Kurt says. "I can feel it. I can hear it in both of your voices."

Burt sighs into the phone. "Have you heard from Finn or any of your glee club friends back here today?"

"No," Kurt says, relaxing a little. This doesn't sound as bad as the scenarios that had flashed in his head. "I mean, I just got out of class and they're all still probably in class too. And Finn and I don't talk on the phone that much really. Just lots of texts, emails, facebook posts, you know."

"Have you heard from Finn in any of those ways today?" Carole asks softly.

"I think he posted something on my facebook wall early this morning," Kurt says. "Did you loose Finn or something?" Kurt can't help but chuckle a little because the thought of his 6 foot everything brother being 'lost' is ridiculous.

However, the muffled sob that escapes Carole stops Kurt. "What's going on?"

"The school, McKinley, it's on lockdown right now," Burt says. "Apparently there were gunshots."

"Gunshots?" Kurt says, maybe a little too loudly if the reaction of the people passing him in the NYADA halls is to be believed.

"Gunshots," Burt confirms. "And we haven't been able to get a hold of your brother."

Kurt feels himself sliding down the wall until he is sitting on the floor. "You haven't heard from him? You don't know if he's ok?"

"No," Burt's voice is soft and thick with emotion. "So if you hear from him, make him call his mother."

"Ok," Kurt says softly.

"Don't worry about it," Burt says. "I know there was glee club practice today but your brother is not the most punctual person. Maybe he didn't show up until after the lockdown, and he's fine- just forgot his phone in his dorm or something."

"That does sound a little like Finn," Kurt agrees softly.

"And even if he is in there, I know he didn't make it all the way through, but he's got some military training," Burt says. "He might not be a great academic, but this is the kind of thing Finn is very smart at."

Kurt nods even though Burt can't see him. "You'll let me know what happens."

"I will," Burt agrees. "Bye kiddo- I love you."

"I love you too Dad, Carole," Kurt says quietly.

Kurt sits on the floor for a few minutes before he stands up and dusts himself off. He walks out of the building and across campus, heading towards an atm where he withdraws some cash because he was making a grocery list before his phone rang after all. He heads for the subway and gets all the way down in the tunnel before he turns around and heads back up above ground. He hails a taxi; when the driver asks him where to, the answer surprises Kurt himself.

"Laguardia," he says in a monotone voice.

The drive is uneventful; Kurt spends it wavering between staring out the window and staring at his phone, willing it to ring. When he arrives at Laguardia and is dropped off the domestic departures terminal, he walks up to the first ticketing agent and begins to ask about the next available flight to Columbus, Dayton or Toledo. In the end, Kurt gets on a flight headed for Dayton because it will get him back in Lima the fastest assuming there are no problems renting a car in Dayton. Once he has boarded the flight, Kurt turns off his phone when they tell him to and he hopes Burt and Carole don't try to call while he is en route and worry when he doesn't pick up.

Kurt spends the just over four hour flight, including a brief stop in Philadelphia, thinking about Finn. Kurt remembers the first time he ever saw Finn Hudson; the first time Finn inadvertently stuck up for him, the first time he realized he was crushing on the boy and the first thing he ever said to Finn and Finn said to him. Kurt does remember the last time he saw Finn; at the doomed Schuester-Pillsbury wedding, but Kurt can't remember the last thing he said to Finn or Finn said to him. Kurt can't remember the last time he told Finn he loved him, and he's allowed to say that, they're brother's after all and their relationship has changed dramatically since sophomore year. Kurt doesn't remember the last time Finn's said that either, but Kurt knows it's true. Finn wears his heart on his sleeve, and his love is shown continuously through his actions; both grand over the top gestures and silly, acts of kindness. It's something Kurt knows he could easily stand to learn from Finn. He just hopes that Finn has never doubted what he means to Kurt.

When Kurt lands in Dayton; he rents a compact car. It doesn't take very long thankfully, and Kurt is on the road, heading towards Lima even quicker than he had anticipated. He opts not to turn on his phone because he knows he is already distracted enough, he doesn't need bad news or a lack of news to cause him to have an accident. He opts not to listen to the radio either; in case there is news coverage and since his phone is off he can't just listen to it, so instead Kurt sings out loud in the car for the hour or so it takes to drive from the Dayton airport to his house in Lima. Arriving at the Hudson-Hummel house, Kurt feels his heart constrict. The driveway and all up and down the road are filled with vehicles. Kurt recognizes Blaine's car, Sam's jeep and Tina's vw beetle. Kurt ends up having to turn around and park across the street in front of the White's house.

Kurt opens the door and calls immediately for his dad and Carole, but before they come out, Kurt sees Blaine, Sam, Brittany and Tina all huddled together on the couch, talking softly, sobbing a little and touching each other comfortingly. It's like a punch to the gut, and Kurt feels his heart begin to race. It was like awaking to a house full of relatives when his mother had passed away. Blaine sees Kurt, and he stands up and walks over to him. Kurt lets himself be pulled into Blaine's embrace, neither of them says anything but Kurt finds himself suddenly in the middle of a four sided hug. Kurt can't even vocalize his distress, and he knows if it were not for all of them holding him up, he would have already crumpled to the floor.

Burt and Carole emerge from the kitchen; red eyed.

"Kurt," Burt says as he pulls his son from the pile of teenagers and holds him tight, Carole by his side.

Kurt begins sobbing. "I'm sorry Carole; I'm so sorry. I just went right to the airport after we talked. I'm sorry Dad."

"Its ok kiddo," Burt says nodding. "It's understandable that you want to be here now. You could have called; I would have picked you up."

"No, no," Kurt insists. "I couldn't take you away from Carole right now."

Burt turns and looks at Carole over top his son's head. He holds Kurt out at an arms distance. "What?"

Before Kurt has a chance to say anything else though, a voice booms from the top of the stairs.

"Did I hear Kurt's voice?" it asks.

Kurt looks up, his eyes roll back in his head, and he faints.


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2- Not as Bad as it Seems

When Kurt begins to regain consciousness he thinks he feels Blaine's hand, familiar and warm, in his. However, when he opens his eyes, the first thing he sees is Finn's face again. He thinks he hears his dad saying his name.

"Am I dead now too?" he whispers to Finn.

"Too?" Finn asks; his expression twists in confusion. "Who died?"

"Carole called me; she couldn't reach you on the phone and told me about the shooting at the school," Kurt explains. He looks up at Finn and shakes his head a little. "But you're really here though." He sits up and reaches out to touch Finn; make sure he is real. "Everyone was here when I got here. They hugged me. Their eyes were red; like they'd been crying. Carole and Dads' too."

"You thought I had died?" Finn whispers- his voice sounds strange to Kurt and his eyes are wide.

Kurt nods. "I'm really glad you didn't."

Finn cracks one of his half smiles at Kurt. "Me too, dude."

"Everyone is fine," Carole says. "Sam, Blaine, and the girls are still a bit shook up from the experience. They don't want to be apart right now, so Burt and I thought we'd offer to make dinner for everyone. This way they could spend time together, and us adults can be near them, and also talk to each other about what happened today." Carole gestures behind Kurt. "It was a very intense day."

Kurt turns his head and realizes the Hudson-Hummel living room is packed with not just his family, and his four friends but also with the Andersons, the Pierces and The Cohen-Changs. He nods in silent hello at everyone.

"Sam's family are driving up from Kentucky; they'll be here later tonight," Burt explains. "We weren't exactly expecting you or Finn."

"But we'll make it work," Carole says softly.

"I can go back to the dorms," Finn says.

"You'll do no such thing, Finn Hudson," Carole admonishes. "Not after scaring me like that today. Like I said, we'll figure it out later."

Once Burt and Carole are sure Kurt is ok, the parents all filter back into the dining room where they continue drinking their coffee and eating the pie Mrs. Pierce brought over. The teens all settle in the living room, to watch a movie. Finn and Kurt each sit on the sofa, and Blaine plops down in between them; which is not all that different from the last year. Sam settles on the floor in front of Blaine and pulls Brittany and Tina each to one of his sides. Finn's leg gets sandwiched between Brittany and Sam. Tina leans back, snuggling in between Kurt and Blaine's legs and under Sam's arm.

"I'm glad you were safe too, Finn," Brittany whispers as she nuzzles his knee.

They are quiet, but Finn wonders what their experience was like in the choir room. "It must have been comforting at least, that you guys were all together right?"

Sam snorts softly.

"We weren't though," Blaine says, turning to look at Finn. "Sam and I were in the choir room with most of the others and Mr. Schue and Coach Bieste."

"I had gone to get something from my car, and I was locked out of the school," Tina says sadly.

"I was in the bathroom," Brittany says. "I put my feet up on the toilet and crouched to stay hidden by the stalls. It was scary, and my legs were shaking from fear and for how long I was in that position."

"Oh," Finn exclaims softly, "I didn't know."

"I wanted to come after you," Sam says to Brittany. "But Mr. Schue and Coach wouldn't let me." He leans in and strokes her cheek softly before pressing a chaste kiss to her lips.

"I completely shut down," Blaine says softly. "I curled in on myself and wanted to hide. I didn't want to think; I didn't want to feel anything."

"Mr. Schue found me, and a couple of others, in the bathroom," Brittany says. "I was so afraid when I first heard the door open. I was sure it was the shooter or one of the shooters. I could hear shoes clicking against the floor, and I just started to cry, but I tried to stay quiet." Brittany begins to sob softly. "Then I heard Mr. Schue whisper my name and I almost fell over with relief. I opened the door to the stall and just hugged him."

Finn looks over at Kurt, who has been eerily quiet. He is sitting stiffly on his end of the sofa, his eyes glimmering with unshed tears. Finn reaches along the back of the sofa, behind Blaine's shoulders, and puts his hand on Kurt's shoulder, squeezing gently. Kurt looks up at Finn and tilts his head to rest his cheek against his shoulder, on Finn's hand. Finn turns his hand over, gently cupping Kurt's cheek, brushing his thumb over Kurt's cheek bone. Kurt closes his eyes fully, his lashes fluttering against his cheek and when he opens them again, Finn's thumb wipes away the tears that fall silently.

"When they finally let me back in the school, I ran to the choir room," Tina admits.

"I was so glad to see you walk in Tee," Blaine says softly. He reaches out and runs his hand through her silky raven hair. "I'm glad you weren't in the school. Although we didn't know where you were, but I'm glad you were always safe."

"What about you, Dude?" Sam asks. "Where were you?"

Finn startles slightly as everyone turns to look him. He pulls his hand from Kurt's cheek, not that anyone appears to have noticed. "I was in the auditorium. I heard the shots and honestly it took me a minute to realize that wasn't something I should hear at school." Finn grimaces a little. "I guess maybe I'm a little used to gunshots from the little bit of time I spent at boot camp."

Sam and Blaine nod in unison; it seems like a valid enough reason.  
Finn rubs at the back of his neck nervously. "I dropped to the ground and tried as best I could to wedge myself in under a row of the seats." He chuckles softly, "I kinda had the opposite problem as you Blaine. I couldn't stop thinking. I couldn't get my brain to stop thinking. I thought about so many things."

"Like what?" Brittany asks. She's petting his leg, probably aware that she is doing so, as if it were her cat.

"Everything," Finn sighs. "I thought about football, about Glee club, my time at boot camp. I thought about Burt's garage and college." Finn looks around, meeting everyone's eyes briefly. "I thought about everyone; my family- the people I chose as my family, especially…." Finn exhales loudly, trailing off his thought, letting them all finish the sentence how they want. Chances are; none of them would even suspect whom Finn had really thought of while he huddled under the row of seats in the auditorium. So hearing their stories, especially Brittany and Sam's, makes Finn feel guilty for hiding and not going to help. He's glad no one has questioned why he hid.

Kurt picks up the remote and starts the movie then, and everyone settles back in their spots. Finn can't help but continue to steal glances at Kurt and wish Blaine wasn't sitting between them. There is something that just seems off with Kurt, and Finn just wants to fix it; fix him. Sometimes Kurt catches Finn looking and offers him a weak smile, but it seems heartless and cold. Kurt is detached even when Blaine's hand falls on his thigh and strokes it softly around the middle part of the movie. Watching them out of the corner of his eye, Finn thinks it's possible Blaine doesn't even realize he is doing it. Especially since Blaine's other hand is resting on Sam's head and carding through the blonde's hair.

"Since Mom and Burt are putting Sam's parents in Kurt's old room, and Stevie and Stacey in Sam's room, I thought we could all pile in my room," Finn suggests to Sam and Kurt, "like at a hotel during competitions."

"Maybe I'll just bunk in with Stevie and Stacey," Sam says. "They seem a little shook up. They might have nightmares, and it'd be better if I was there to help calm them down in the middle of the night."  
Finn nods in understanding, but it's not like he's ever had siblings. Unless he counts Puck or well, Kurt. And Finn isn't the one that almost lost a sibling today; that's Kurt.

"I guess that leaves just you and me, Kurt," Finn says as he wraps an arm around Kurt's shoulders. Kurt looks at Finn's hand curled around the top of his arm; then turns and blinks up at Finn like he doesn't understand why Finn is holding onto him.

"Burt's got a couple of sleeping bags and extra blankets and here I have some extra pillows," Carole offers. Finn grabs a blanket and a pillow, plus a sleeping bag just to be safe.

"I'm going to bunk in with Stevie and Stacey," Sam explains. He takes a couple of pillows and a sleeping bag.

Carole nods. "Kurt, maybe you should get anything you need out of your room that you might need, before Mr. & Mrs. Evans turn in for the night."

Kurt looks at Carole wide eyed for a moment before he blinks and shakes his head. "Yeah, I should do that I guess." He knocks softly on his door, and then opens the door and goes in to collect some of his things.

"Kurt seems a little… off," Finn whispers to Carole.

Carole pats her son's shoulder. "He's probably just exhausted Finn. He had a full day of classes and then he got the news and flew home and drove himself up from Dayton."

Finn nods, "You're probably right. I'm sure he'll be fine tomorrow once he gets some sleep."

"Exactly," Carole says.

Finn hugs his mom. "Night mom, love you."

Carole looks up at her son and smiles, her eyes shining. "I love you too, Finn. Good night."

Finn goes into his room and sets up the sleeping bag, pillow and blanket he grabbed on the floor between the bed and the wall. He closed his door and took off his jeans and boxers, replacing them with a pair of pajama pants. As he's removing his shirt and sweater, there's a knock on the door.

"Finn?" Kurt's voice is soft through the door.

"Yeah, come in," Finn says, as he shrugs out of the shoulders of his shirt and lays it over his desk chair with his jeans and sweater. He grabs his tee shirt to pull on but looks up when he hears Kurt squeak.

"Sorry," Kurt mumbles as he looks away and shuts the door behind himself.

Finn laughs softly. "Its ok, I said come in."

"I could have waited a minute for you to finish dressing," Kurt says, his eyes still downcast.

"It's not a big deal," Finn shrugs. He sits down on the bed and kicks at Kurt's shin.

Kurt looks up at Finn and gives him half of a smile. "I didn't even go back to the loft and pack. I brought nothing with me."

"Do you want something of mine to sleep in?" Finn offers.

"No, I've got stuff here, thankfully," Kurt says. "And maybe I realized that, I don't know. I was on auto-pilot I guess."

"Hopefully your plane wasn't," Finn tries to joke. However, Kurt doesn't even smile.

"I should go change," Kurt says as he gestures to Finn's bathroom and walks over, his arms full of stuff.

The bathroom door opens more quickly than Finn had anticipated; Kurt now wearing a pair of pajama pants and an old McKinely high tee that Finn is pretty sure used to be his. Kurt doesn't leave the bathroom though; he stands at the sink and begins to wash his face. Finn leans back on his arms on the bed, watching Kurt.

"Do you come home much?" Kurt asks.

"Probably not as much as mom would like," Finn replies. "I come for dinner or when I need some advice, but I don't usually spend the night."

Kurt grimaces. "What are the chances that your sheets are clean?"

Finn leans over and sniffs at the duvet cover. "It smells clean."

"Rachel's glad your ok, by the way," Kurt says. "She called wondering where I was earlier."

"You didn't even call her before you left?" Finn asks.

"It didn't even occur to me to let anyone know," Kurt says. "Rachel's call led to a couple of emails to my profs and a quick call to Isabelle, who was very understanding."

"When did all of this happen?"

"You guys were in the backyard seeing who could spit sunflower seed husks the farthest," Kurt says.

Finn nods, "Oh yeah, I remember your phone ringing, and you disappeared for a while."

"Yes, well, in hindsight, I probably should have thought of letting someone know before I got on an airplane," Kurt explains.

"I probably would have done the same thing," Finn says. He stands up and walks over to the bathroom, leaning against the door frame. "If I had gotten a call or heard about a shooting or a gunman at NYADA, in Bushwick, or at Vogue, I would have left for New York right away."

Kurt looks up at Finn then, for a moment. Then he shakes his head and looks back at his reflection, smoothing cream onto his face.

"I should probably brush my teeth while I'm up," Finn says as he moves to stand beside Kurt at the sink. He knocks Kurt's shoulder gently with his own, and smiles when he sees Kurt make eye contact with him in the mirror. It feels a little intimate and domestic to stand at the sink with Kurt. Finn feels it tingle through his veins. Finn finishes brushing his teeth and walks back into his bedroom and stretches out on the sleeping bag on the floor.

When Kurt returns to the room, he stops short. "I didn't mean to kick you out of your own bed."

"You've had a long day, with classes and traveling," Finn says. "I can't make you sleep on the floor. And the bed is hardly big enough for me, let alone you and me both."

"If you're sure," Kurt says. He walks over and turns off the overhead light before he climbed into the bed.

"I'm sure. Good night, Kurt."

"Thanks," Kurt says softly. "Good night, Finn."


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter 3-Warm Milk

**_Finn and Kurt do their usual brotherly bonding over warm milk._**

Finn thinks given all the excitement of the day, that maybe he'll easily fall asleep. But his insomnia rears its ugly head again, and Finn is helpless to do anything but lie there in the dark. That discussion Finn thinks he needs to have could happen now; Kurt is here. Not even just in Lima here, but here, in his room, with him. But for all the excitement that Finn had felt, he knew Kurt had also had a long day. And he just couldn't wake him up to burden him with his problems because it wouldn't be a quick and easy conversation. This is an epic, brotherly sort of conversation. One that should probably start with some of Kurt's favorite, warm milk and a plate full of cookies or maybe some of his mother's banana nut loaf.

Finn rolls over onto his side, facing the bed and comes face to face with Kurt, who is right on Finn's side of the bed, his hand hanging down over the edge. Even in the darkness, Finn can tell Kurt's face is smooshed into the pillow. Finn smiles slightly, happy that Kurt had fallen asleep given how exhausted he'd been earlier. But his smile quickly disappears when he hears sniffling coming from the pillow, and he watches as Kurt's shoulders shudder with what Finn can only assume are sobs.

Finn reaches out and takes Kurt's hand in his. "Kurt?"

Kurt looks up from the pillow; his eyes and cheeks glistening with tears in the low light that slips through the curtains. "Sorry, I didn't mean to wake you."

"You didn't," Finn assures Kurt with a shake of his head. "What's wrong?"

"I can't- I can't sleep," Kurt hiccups.

"Me neither," Finn confesses.

"I was so worried," Kurt says in a whisper. He puts his face back into the pillow and sobs softly again.

Finn sits up and rubs Kurt's back in what he hopes is a comforting manner. The sobs seem to subside after a while, and Finn hopes he played a small part in that. "Do you want me to make us some warm milk?"

Kurt lifts his head from the pillow and smiles at Finn, the tips of his perfect, white teeth glimmering in the night as he nods his head.

Finn stands up and walks over to the door, not noticing until he's in the hall that Kurt is right behind him. He lowers his voice as they pass Sam's room. "I was just going to bring it up when it's done."

Kurt waits until they are on the stairs to respond. "I don't want to be alone."

Finn nods, because that makes sense. He doesn't bother to turn on the lights, just grabs a small saucepan from the cupboard and fills it three quarters of the way with milk before setting it on the stove, turning it on low.

Kurt sits down at the island, watching Finn move about the kitchen. "So what else is going on with you? How are classes?"

"Classes are ok," Finn shrugs. "I've been having some issues sleeping, and that's kind of rolling over into my concentration in class. Thankfully I know people in all of my classes, so I've been borrowing and copying notes," he pauses as he grabs a spoon from the drawer. "Hopefully it won't be an issue."

"Why are you having issues sleeping?" Kurt asks, his brows furrowed in concern. "What's going on?"

"Just got stuff on my mind," Finn says as he moves over to start stirring the milk. "Feels like I can't shut off my brain at night. Kinda like in sophomore year with everything that was going on with Quinn."

Kurt nods; he can kind of understand what Finn is saying. All day it's felt like he couldn't shut off his brain either no matter how much he wanted to. "We can discuss it over our warm milk."

Finn blanches for a moment, turning to look at Kurt, "It's a little complicated and a long conversation for tonight." He smiles kind of shyly at Kurt then, "But maybe tomorrow or before you go back to New York? I kind of thought I was going to have to wait until you came back for your dad's appointment to talk to you about stuff."

"You could have just called Finn," Kurt says. "If you need to talk, I'm going to make time for you." Kurt shakes his head sadly.

Finn takes down two mugs and puts them on the counter in front of Kurt. "I know. It's just not a phone kind of conversation. It's a face to face one." Finn chuckles softly. "It's really a warm milk one but we're both too exhausted for it tonight."

Kurt smiles at Finn then. "Well, you've definitely piqued my curiosity now Finn."

"Don't worry, it'll keep," Finn insists with a shake of his head. He pours the two mugs of milk and then rinses the pot. Finn picks up his mug of milk when he's done and walks around the island, heading for the stairs.

"Where are you going?" Kurt asks as he picks up his own mug.

"Upstairs," Finn replies. He stops at the bottom and turns to look at Kurt. "Dude, I'm exhausted and you're like practically sleep walking. If we drink this down here, you're gonna pass out on me and I'm gonna have to carry you back upstairs," Finn ducks his head as a blush warms his cheeks at the way the end of that sentence came out.

"Uh, yeah, let's not let that happen," Kurt agrees as he joins Finn on the stairs.

It's a tight fit for both of them to squeeze onto the bed, leaning up against the wall, with the pillows behind their backs; their shoulders touching, arms brushing and legs pressed against each other.

"This has been the craziest day," Finn says as he finishes his milk and puts his mug on the nightstand.

Kurt nods slowly, agreeing silently with Finn. "When Carole called, my first thought was my Dad. But getting to hear his voice, it calmed me a little." Kurt lays his own mug aside and slumps down on the bed a little, leaning slightly against Finn. "But then Dad told me about the lockdown at the school and that there was a shooter and no one could get a hold of you."

Finn sees Kurt's eyes blink rapidly a couple of times, tears glistening on the tips of his lashes. He snakes his arm around Kurt and pulls him even closer. "I'm so sorry Kurt. I didn't even think you know, that mom calling you would make you think something was wrong with your dad."

Kurt turns his head, looking up at Finn. "It's not like it's your fault. I just- maybe it's better not to let anyone in." Kurt bends his head, tucking himself under Finn's shoulder, resting his head against Finn's chest.

"I think that kinda defeats the purpose of school, Dude," Finn chuckles.

Kurt chuffs out something like a laugh. "That's not what I meant Finn- and I'm pretty sure you know that. It's just, you know, letting people in, letting love in, letting people get past my walls; it's not easy for me. And when things like this happen it makes me wonder if it's even worth it."

Finn nods at first, because yes, he kind of understands what Kurt was trying to say and it had nothing to do with not letting people into the school. "Wait- what do you mean if it's worth it?"

"I mean, of course I love my dad and my mom, but then she died and it still hurts, Finn. Not every day, but it's still there, all the time." Kurt sniffles a little and begins to toy with the drawstring on his pants. "And when my Dad got sick, I was a wreck. But thankfully he got better, for a while anyway, and then you and Carole joined our family and it wasn't easy letting your guys in so fully. I know I set them up, but I don't think I ever anticipated it would end like this."

"Hey, nothing is ending," Finn whispers. "We're family; we're always going to be a family. Your mom didn't stop being your mom just because Burt married my mom. My dad is still my dad even if my mom is married to Burt. We just all get to be a little happier now."

"I know," Kurt nods against Finn's chest. "But now, with you and Carole, I have two more people to worry about losing. And then there's Blaine. I let him in and then he hurt me so badly Finn; and sure he didn't die, but I kind of felt like I did. And for sure, part of what we had, part of what was special about us, died then." Kurt begins to sob softly, clutching the material of Finn's shirt in his hands.

"I guess you were pretty happy to see Blaine when you got here; to know he was safe," Finn murmurs.

Kurt shakes his head back and forth a couple of times and then looks up at Finn. "I mean, yes, I'm glad he was ok. That Sam and Tina and everyone were ok too. But honestly, I wasn't thinking about Blaine or any of them on my way home."

"Oh," Finn swallows harshly. The look Kurt was giving him was so intense, so full of pain, and yet, undeniably vulnerable.

"All I could think about, the only one I was worried about was you," Kurt whispers. His eyes flutter closed and he buries his face into Finn's chest again. "I didn't have a single thought about Blaine until I saw his car out on the street. It's like he didn't even exist."

"Of course," Finn breathes deeply. "My mom called you, Dude. I think it makes sense that you were concerned about me." Finn shakes his head a little to clear away the thoughts trying to creep in. Now was not the time for Finn to think about Kurt only being worried about him and what that might mean. It was not the time to talk to Kurt about his own confusing feelings about their relationship.

"It's like, here's another person I love another part of my family that was almost taken away from me," Kurt says softly. "Why does this keep happening to me?"

"Hey," Finn says, as he grabs Kurt's chin between his thumb and forefinger. "I'm not going anywhere; you're not going to lose me. Okay?" Finn lets his own eyes close at the intensity of feelings that are coursing through him.

"I couldn't remember the last time I told you how much you mean to me," Kurt whispers. "I'm not good at showing or saying stuff like that. Not like you. And it was scary to think that you might be gone and not know how I feel."

"Dude, no Kurt, I know," Finn says, his eyes still closed, his heart beating a little too wildly for his comfort. "If there is anything I'm sure of, it's you. That you're in my corner and you are going to support me no matter how stupid I'm being. Because we're family and we love each other." Finn's eyes fly open and he looks at Kurt for a moment. "You do know that right?"

Kurt nods. "I mean, I couldn't exactly remember exactly, the last time you said it. But ever since things have changed between us, I've always known that you are my biggest supporter."

"Good," Finn says. He brings his hand up to cradle Kurt's head and guide it towards his chest, encouraging Kurt to rest against him again. Kurt relaxes and lays his head against Finn, as Finn's fingers massage gently at his scalp. "Wanna know a secret about today?"

"Ok," Kurt says sleepily.

"At first, when I heard the gunshots, I was going to leave the auditorium and try to help or something," Finn says. "But like the instant my hand hit the door handle, all I could think of was Mom and Burt and you. We've all lost someone from our families already and I just couldn't handle thinking about what would happen if I forced you guys to lose me too." Finn exhales loudly, "That sounds pretty conceited huh?"

Kurt shakes his head against Finn's chest.

"Besides, I think maybe I've used up all of my surviving a gunshot mojo," Finn attempts to joke.

"That's not even a little bit funny, Finn Hudson," Kurt says softly around a yawn.

"I know," Finn laments. His fingers continue to gently massage at Kurt's scalp; especially near his temple. "Anyhow, so then I just kind of high tailed it under one of the rows of seats and tried to hide myself as best I could. I shut off my phone so it wouldn't give me away or distract me." Finn can tell by the way Kurt's breathing is changing that he's almost asleep. "I tried to just focus on listening and keeping myself safe but I couldn't help but think about things, about people. Like you said, hoping they knew how much they meant to me." Finn's head falls back against the wall gently, his eyes closing. "I kept thinking what if this was it for me, and I didn't get a chance to make things right. The chance to know what could have been."

There's no response to what Finn says so he opens his eyes and looks down at Kurt, who appears be asleep. Finn attempts to extract himself from Kurt, without jostling him too much and waking him up, so he can turn off the lamp and go back to his makeshift bed on the floor.

"Don't go, please," Kurt whispers as he tightens his arms around Finn. "I can hear your heartbeat this way and I know you're still here with us."

"Ok," Finn says softly, swallowing down his nerves. "Just, let me get the light, and grab us a blanket, all right."

"Mmmm," Kurt murmurs sleepily.

Instead of standing up, Finn just stretches over, and across Kurt's almost asleep form, pressing their bodies flush against each other, to switch off the floor lamp between the bed and the desk. Finn rolls back, gently pulling Kurt with him, and reaches down to grab his blanket off the floor. He spreads the blanket over himself and Kurt and that is when he realizes that his left arm that is trapped behind Kurt. He brings his hand up and rests it between Kurt's waist and his hip, his fingers gently splaying and covering a larger area. And Finn's left leg is under Kurt's; resulting in Kurt's body almost straddling the left side of his. Finn swallows thickly. He's not uncomfortable; in fact, he's feeling quite happy to be laying there with Kurt. Finn reaches up with his right hand and lightly covers Kurt's left hand that is resting on the right side of Finn's chest. "I'm not going anywhere Kurt, I promise."

~~~~~

_**A/N: **__my thanks to roserosa for her time and some suggestions & tips on this chapter_


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